hey! sorry for the extremely late response. i had too much fun towards the end of 2022 that i completely forgot about replying. it is now 2023, so i’ll try my best to write back what i can remember okay.

my 22 birthday was great. i got to spend it with my friends in sydney - something i never thought would happen. it did take some planning but im so glad it went the way it did. and im so happy to tell you that yes we finally visited vietnam - after 3 long years of waiting. i can’t believe i almost thought i could push it back until 2023. it felt surreal the whole time i was there. i reconnected with so many people i never imagined i would be talking to. i got to do so many things and go to so many places. although i didnt spend as much time as i would like with my family, don’t worry, i’m actually coming back there soon! by soon i mean in about 3 months hehe. i’m starting my 3rd placement soon as well, literally in about 2 weeks. so yes we successfully survived the 2nd placement. it went Way Way better than you expected. we grew a lot and it made me fall in love more with what im doing. i can’t be sure that the min of the past couple of years will be proud of me but me writing this now is very proud of myself for getting this far.

i cant believe im graduating next year. i cant believe im going to the ed sheeran concert tomorrow. i cant believe im still single hahaha. i guess you could say i ‘made more friends’ or rather i work on the friendships that i’ve already had. maybe i should come to acceptance that i am picky when it comes to friends. but i like where i am at right now. though i get bored here and there but i like this pace. i like this time period when everything feels like a routine and im going through the motion. i like how i can look forward to things and assure myself that ill be fine. so rest assured, min of the past, you are doing well and better than you think. 2022 was unexpectedly pleasant, with some hiccups here and there but im glad everything went the way it did. yes, even with the 2 “breakups” haha. you wouldn’t have thought right? it’s okay, we survived both of it and moved on fine. oh and like pandemic is basically non-existent now. i still wear mask at work but it’s pretty much normalised.

how are you doing in 2024? i hope not struggling at least haha. did you finally get a job in the field? talk to andy again like how you predicted? maybe move out and got another place? any plans to travel back to vietnam yet? im sure you’d be so busy next year so if you completely forget to reply, don’t worry, i bet that’d be a good sign. i hope you’re still happy on your own though. i know you were happy in vietnam because you were surrounded by people and you got pretty lonely when you come back to adelaide. but it’s okay. sometimes solitude is needed when the world is chaos out there. know that you still have yourself at least. and that you can always count on yourself to show up and be there for your own damn self. be proud that you got this far. because i can say that i am so proud of us right now for being here and typing this.  

i hope your plants are still alive? maybe get more plants? whatever you choose to do, know that min of the past years, especially that one on the staircase is still rooting for you! and that i am proud of you no matter what.

i love you. take care.

em mong rằng mình có thể tìm được một người thương em. yêu chiều em. mong muốn được bên cạnh em để chia sẻ, để quan tâm, để lắng nghe, để trò chuyện. một người có thể đi với em một quãng đường thật dài. nhìn nhau lớn. nhìn nhau già đi. nhìn nhau trải qua mọi chuyện. vui cùng em. buồn cùng em. hát cùng em. nhảy cùng em. ôm em. nắm tay em. cõng em. chở em đi chơi. đi dạo vòng quanh cùng em.

đôi lúc em chỉ muốn trải qua những điều giản đơn vậy thôi. đôi khi em tự hỏi sao mọi thứ không dễ dàng như vậy. khi mọi sự trong cuộc sống đã quá khó khăn rồi. tại sao không có một ai đó làm mình cảm thấy mọi sự sẽ ổn khi mình về nhà. làm mình cảm thấy an tâm là vẫn có 1 ai đó chờ đợi mình. mong ngóng mình. để mình cảm thấy vui khi biết rằng sẽ có ai nghe câu chuyện hằng ngày của mình. hay chỉ để họ ôm mình thật chặt khi mình đã có một ngày thật tệ.

em chỉ là một người con gái mong muốn mình được quan tâm chăm sóc. được mua hoa cho mỗi dịp lễ. được nấu ăn cho và mang đi làm mỗi ngày. được nắm tay khi đi ngoài đường. được xoa tay khi em lạnh. được hôn lên trán khi em ngủ. em vẽ cho mình một bức tranh thật đẹp để lại quay về với sự cô đơn hiu quạnh của cuộc sống buồn tẻ.

em không mong đợi một chuyện tình vội vã khiến em quay cuồng. có lẽ điều em cần ngay lúc này là một sự bình yên. một người để em tâm sự. là một người bạn nhưng cũng là một người thương. là một người em có thể chạm mỗi ngày. có thể quay về để kể những câu chuyện trên trời dưới đất của em. 

em tự hỏi liệu em sẽ có bao giờ gặp được người đó? liệu người đó có tìm đến em? liệu khi em gặp người đó em đã sẵn sàng chưa? hay vẫn lo sợ rằng em chưa đủ? 

em vẫn cố gắng làm bản thân tốt hơn. em vẫn đang tập làm quen với sự tự do này, cho đến khi em gặp được người đó. em biết rằng em còn nhiều điều để học, nhiều thứ để lo, nhiều việc để làm. em vẫn từ tốn với bản thân. không dày vò, chỉ trích bản thân nhiều như lúc trước nữa. không trách móc, đày đoạ bản thân nhiều nữa. em cố gắng thương bản thân nhiều hơn, để một khi anh đến, em cảm thấy đủ. đủ để yêu, đủ để thương, đủ để ở bên cạnh anh như một người bạn, một người thương, một người yêu. và em hi vọng rằng anh cảm thấy như vậy là đủ. 

em không biết anh đang ở đâu. có nghĩ đến em không. em tự nhủ bản thân rằng rồi những ngày lễ sau này em sẽ vui khi có anh bên cạnh. rằng hôm nay có không được tặng hoa thì mình có thể tự mua cho mình những thứ khác làm mình vui. em nghĩ về những bó hoa sau này em được anh tặng. như vậy cũng an ủi em được chút nào. anh đừng lo, em cũng sẽ mua hoa cho anh. em sẽ tặng anh thật nhiều quà, bù đắp lại những ngày em không có ở đó. hi vọng rằng anh sẽ vui. 

mong rằng em sẽ được gặp anh sớm thôi, nhỉ?

i miss you

i miss how you checked up on me every morning i wake up and before i go to sleep. i miss your laugh, i miss your sighs. i miss your dumb jokes that you make to get me roll my eyes. i miss the way you call me em. i miss the way you talk about our future as if you were so certain of it. 

i miss how you were so certain of us. it was contagious.

its funny because we still couldnt see each other years later. its funny because i still cant imagine what its like to be touched, to be caressed, to be kissed, to be hugged, to be embraced by you. 

its all in my head.

its funny because i dont know if you feel the same way too. 

its funny because here i am again, years later still writing about you. i dont cry as much anymore though, so thats good right? i hope you dont say it was out of pity anymore though lmao

i wonder if youre thinking about me as much as i think about you. as much as i try to get you out of my head. even though there’s nothing reminding me of you. there’s no physical thing that could remind me of you, yet i still think of you every waking moment i get. 

i know its no ones fault. i know we’re both logical creatures. i know that, as much as i wish i could just screw everything and follow my feelings, feelings are not enough. 

we arent in highschool anymore. life isnt that simple anymore.

yes. i do wish i couldve been with you in person. will it have changed anything? maybe. 

but all that is left is our imagination of what should have been. that i should have been with you. that you should have been with me. that we should have been together in person. 

im still trying to wrap my head around the fact that i guess we arent meant to be. i really thought about having a family with you and how special you made me feel just for the past 2 months. 

i loved how made a playlist for me. i loved how you made time for me as much as you could. i loved the way you called me baby, the way you made me feel cared for, even without being touched.

i hope i did the same to you? i hope you felt cared for and i hope you felt treasured.

im sure you will find someone else who can make you feel as good, perhaps even better. but im sure you wont find someone like me. 

and yes. it goes the same way for me too. i wont be able to find someone like you, someone who had been there for me for so long, who never really fail to make me laugh or genuinely pissed off even though we’ve never been together in person. 

you are special to me. and no, i dont hope you know that. because maybe youll continue to be special to me. and i hope that one day i may be able to close this chapter for good. 

i miss you lots. i hope youre doing well. i hope you achieve everything you set your mind to and i know you will because you are so much more capable than you think. unfortunately you wont be able to hear these words from me because my ego is stupidly huge when it comes to you. i really do miss you.

how are you? i hope at least you aren’t bawling your eyes out at 3AM like i am right now haha. if you need a refresher, you were crying from reading 2020′s post, because of how proud you are of how far you’ve come compared to 2020. i’d say you make both the min on the staircase (aka min 2019) and min 2020 really proud. 

now to answer min 2020′s questions: 

i spent my 21st birthday celebrating with myself at first, then virtually with my friends. the most important part is, i was really happy, treating myself and all. did i mention that is because im in adelaide now? we all didnt see that coming didnt we? oh and i made new friends! though not as many as i would like but at least i’m working on the ones that i have at the moment! i am working as well, fortunately. school has been fine, we paid off tuition woohoo! the pandemic is still ongoing unfortunately but i’ve actually vaccinated. we are damn lucky and privileged dude. yes i can do my eyeliner now, even experimented more with eyeshadows. got lazier with baking ever since i moved but i definitely experimented more with cooking.

oh and i guess the most important part is, i can confidently say i have moved on from my ex. and yes, it took as long as we expected it to be. and that’s alright. because at least right now i can look at his girlfriend’s ig handle and not feel a little bummed out. though i do have to admit that i am curious about what’s going on in his life. but everyone feels that way about their ex one way or the other right?

right now, adelaide has been doing great with the pandemic. melbourne is in lockdown for the 5th time unfortunately. still no flights back to vn yet. vn is going through the biggest outbreak yet. everything seem to be the norm now. me? im still considering getting a 2nd job. still debating if we should get our own place, though i have my own room at the moment. still very much wish that we have our own pet, though i doubt you will have your own pet next year but please let me know! oh and still very much single and happy with it. 

anyways, how are you doing in 2022? how was your birthday? how is surviving the first semester of 2nd year? i’m sure you must’ve done ur second placement now, how was it? did you learn a lot about yourself as well? still doubting if this is the right path for you? did you make more friends? i feel like i’m gonna keep asking that until you’ve finally accepted defeat. 

how’s the pandemic going? any hope? i hope you’re still keeping in contact with your family. it’s been awhile since we saw them right? regardless of whether or not they approve of you, please know that i am so proud of you, of how far you’ve come. of how strong you have been for your own damn self. of how capable you are of doing anything you put your mind too. 

you are so worthy of everything that you have in your life right now. all the good things of course. i don’t expect you to have it all figured out next year. take your time with it. you have all the time that there is in this world. everything is waiting for you and going at your pace.

please look back at 2021 with a warm heart. be glad that you (again) survived the pandemic, managed to get a job at a new state, even made some friends and dyed your hair omg! you’ve come so far and i know you will go even further and beyond. 

and i guess ill make this a tradition by reminding you that, make the little min sitting on the staircase proud. because she put so much faith into us. we got this, okay? 

promise me you will continue to work on loving yourself more and more everyday. love you.

hey just wanna say i miss you

not sure why but i guess i kinda miss seeing your face and having you comfort me i guess

funny how my brain still sees it as you having feelings for me 

maybe you did but i guess i just find it hard to believe now

when did it stop? what did i do wrong? 

sure i can still enjoy having you as a friend but is it bad to say that i wish you can like me instead? 

is it bad to say that i wanted to be your first love so bad? 

is it bad to hope that you will eventually realise that you actually liked me and it was just you being dumb?

would i even forgive you then? 

im not sure how to feel towards you. on one hand i know i miss talking to you and hanging out with you but at the same time, it feels as if you were never even here in the first place.

how am i supposed to feel? 

should i have not bring it up in the first place? should i have not pursue my feelings? should i have not kissed u? 

how am i supposed to know that my feelings for you won’t surge again?

yeah probably by keep reminding myself that you don’t have any feelings for me and they probably won’t ever grow.

how do i do that?

sure i’ve done it before but it’s because we never saw each other again and only texted.

should i do that to you? i dont want to be avoiding you in fear that my feelings may grow again.

i should not be hoping that you’re going to change your mind because that’s just setting myself up for disappointment and wasting my time

but i truly hope you treasured our time together. even the little bits and pieces that you’ve taught me. thank you 

i truly hope that ill find someone better than you. who’s more sure about me and is able to treat me even better than you could ever.

i hope you’ll regret letting me go. i hope you’ll realise how much of a catch i am. i hope one day, you’ll be hit with the thought that wow i was the best you could ever asked for.

sorry, i guess im just feeling sorry for myself. 

maybe ill know that im fine once i can look at your photos without feeling sad. maybe then ill be able to let you know that im alright now. 

but why is there also a pressure on myself to move on quickly? 

in the end tho, i hope we can be comfy enough to call ourselves friend and truly mean it that we dont and won’t have feelings for each other.

hey it’s been a week since we last talked/met. i’m sure we will meet and talk again but right now i guess i still havent come to the acceptance that we’ve broken up. i guess you yourself had the time to prepare for it but i wasnt. 

i guess i just wanna say thank you. thank you for all the time and the effort that you have put into this. i know it must have been so confusing for you and yet you still tried anyways. thank you.

i guess it saddens me that you really thought one kiss would make you feel more sure. its kinda sad that all i wanted to do was to kiss you one last time and tell you that it’s gonna be okay and hope that itll all be okay. and i couldnt bring myself to do it. knowing that you dont have feelings for me anymore. its sad that i couldnt be able to see it on our last date. no but really i thought we were enjoying the other person’s company. but i guess either way you’d bring it up eventually right.

i guess im sad that im not your first love. though yea to be fair i didnt even get the chance to love you yet lmao. but i guess because i was really hoping that we would work out that i convinced myself to have more faith in the relationship while you were just losing feelings for me. 

it’s sad because i really thought and was really hoping we would last a really long while. i was trying to make myself comfortable with the pace of relationship. i wasn’t sure at times too but i guess it was nowhere near yours huh. 

i hope i am someone you considered as special. yes i really did mean it when i say i am going to be jealous of the next girl you date. because im sure youd be surer then. 

thank you for still taking care of me i guess. thank you for still looking after me and agreeing to do things that i like. thank you for being so considerate and thoughtful all the time. again, im sure that girl that you love will be one of the luckiest ones out there. 

i was really hoping that your feelings for me were genuine i guess. im not saying they werent. im just saying that i hoped your feelings for me were deepening. but i guess i was just lying to myself a lot of the times. 

yes this relationship wasnt all that great like i thought. there were times where i wished you could be different but it didnt matter much to me i guess. but also you didnt even get to enjoy the relationship like i was able to. sucks for you i guess.

i hope you do realise how much youre missing out since i was so willing and ready to give you so much experience lmaooooo. well anyways since you didnt even like me that much so u couldnt fully enjoy our time together so i guess it doesnt matter right. i hope you really take the time to figure ur shit out. i hope you realise how understanding and caring i was and you didnt even get to fall in love yet. the potential i have dude. 

the potential we had.

well i guess it was all fabricated in my mind then. sorry i was to busy idealising the relationship when you were struggling. sorry i couldnt make you like me more. sorry im not your type. 

but truly, thank you for making me feel so respected, so cared for and believed that you were so sure of me. i guess i was just lying to myself since you dont even like me that much anyways haha. thank you for the past 2 months lmao. im sure ill still hold the memories close. i hope you feel and do the same. i miss you i guess.

it’s weird to say that watching this show makes me feel sad about romance and reality. i wonder if they would ever go hand in hand?

it seems surreal to me knowing that ung and yeonsu have never thought about dating anyone else, or even attempt to date other people. yeonsu i can relate because she just had a lot of financial burden on her back, therefore not feeling the need to put herself out there. not that she is the type to do so anyway. whereas ung seem to be more like the one who would. but he didn’t.

unfortunately, our reality doesn’t work like that. or is it because i have lost faith in love and people that i believe it is impossible for people to still love someone that they haven’t met in 5 years?

it’s funny because venus is retrograding as the show comes to an end. and it’s only a tv show.

i guess the message that comes through is that their love for each other is strong and that it withstands time. as much as i think that it is only a tv show, my hopeless romantic side still wishes that there would be someone who would still love me no matter what. no matter how much i overthink, no matter how much i struggle and no matter how much i try to make up for it. all seem to be so hard when having that becomes expectations and expectations are meant to disappoint. 

maybe that’s why it makes me sad that the show has come to an end. it is so beautifully portrayed and their love seem so pure that i feel bad for not being able to feel that love myself. 

no i dont believe in first love. nor do i believe that one can still love another person for 5 years without moving on. i guess it becomes more surreal when they finally see each other for the first time after all those years.

the drawing of yeonsu really ties it all nicely together. because to ung, she becomes a constant in his life that he wouldn’t want to change. it was also the moment that he fell in love with her and that love has never change since, regardless of how much time has passed. i guess it says more about the artist than the subject itself. the subject may change with time, but the artist’s feeling towards it may not. if their feeling changes, the painting wouldn’t have been the same anymore. 

the bittersweet journey of them realising their feelings for each other frustrates me as a viewer. even if they say they don’t have feelings for each other, they still care about each other deeply and still want the best for the other person. i wonder if that’s the case with me. 

as much as i know there’s no point for me to be sad over something that is not real, i wonder if it is possible for me to have a love that is so warm and pure that i can be confident in our future together.

[eternal sunshine of the spotless mind]

before i begin, first, i just want to say that, if i have asked u this question, know that i was genuinely curious what you would think and would never judge you regardless of your answer. even if you decide to do something in the future that goes against your answer right now, i have no rights or reasons to even question you.

second, when i asked you these questions, i never disagree or agree entirely. me retelling what ive learned from these answers do not mean i agree with them. though some i can empathise with, some i agree to disagree.

anw, let’s begin!

people who said they will break up obviously have their reasons to do so. and it’s interesting to hear how some would break up right away simply because they don’t want to go through the pain (again). some also believe that the problem has always been there, in this case is the incompatibility between the two. people do not simply change and it’s so hard to change for someone. this answer make me think of, why not choose the easier route? when there are others out there that’d probably be more compatible? 

the reasons that people who said they will stay varies and ngl a lot of them were reasons i did not think of. some said they don’t believe in pre-determinism. another idea that can be extended from that would be, if you know the possibility of it happening, youre responsible to decide what youll do next, thereby working on the relationship and not just let that happen. some said they’d rather finish the lesson since they’re meant to learn that lesson anyway, there’s no point running from the lesson if it means there’s a chance they may repeat that w someone else. some answers gave me the impression that, it’s easier to say you’d break up there and then when in reality you’d still have feeling for this person so it’d be impossible for you to break up right at that moment. a reason to build upon this was it doesnt matter what the mind tells u, the heart always convince the mind and you would end up following what your heart decides. 

what do i think? i struggle to come up w my own thoughts for awhile ngl, after hearing so many different povs. for now, i would say it’d depend on what the other person want. knowing myself, i’d want to work on the rlts, in other words, i would wanna continue. acknowledging that people can’t just change completely, and that they’d change if they want to, i’d ask the other person if they think they would want to work on this rlts w me. if that person is confident enough in themselves and also this rlts, then i’d love to continue this journey w them. but if they don’t want to due to whatever reason (time, effort, etc), i would respect them for speaking their mind and knowing their boundaries. in short, yes, i would continue, but that’s only if i trust the other person enough that they’ll work just as hard as me on this rlts. what i think really stuck w me after learning everyone’s answers, was that: you can’t choose how and when you’re gonna meet someone but you can choose how you’re gonna treat them. you may or may not be destined to be with that person but during that time you have with them, may as well make it enjoyable/productive/memorable or whatever your value is regarding a fulfilling rlts. 

so yes, what have 2021 taught me? that i am capable of knowing what i want, even if it means asking 41234234 people about a hypothetical scenario, but i will always have my own opinion and my own beliefs. i still have lots to learn from others and it doesnt mean i have to adopt their perspectives, rather, learning everyone’s perspectives taught me how multifaceted anything is and how, doesnt matter what i predict what theyll say, people are unpredictable (in a good way). most importantly, i learn that whoever is in my life right now, is both a combination of ‘fate’ and ‘choice’: our life happens to cross paths but it is my choice (and obv theirs) to keep this connection ongoing. as someone who values quality connections, i am beyond grateful that those around me right now are those that i hold dear and continue to teach me without even knowing that they are doing it. 

this day 3 years ago i was still sitting on the staircase, reminiscing about our relationship. 3 years later, i beat myself up over this same old relationship while you’ve moved on. it sucks to know that im still the one attached to it. it sucks to know that im still struggling bc of something that’s nonexistent. it sucks to hit myself with the reality that this relationship has ended, 3 years after it ended. even though ive slowly come to term that this relationship has really ended there and then, i hate how im still in denial. i tell myself that i dont see you in the next 5 years. i tell myself that i’d never do all those things for you again. i have made progress, i have. but not to the point where i am happy. 

why is it that i still feel sad that you’re happily dating someone else?

i know for sure i dont have feelings for you anymore but why is it that i feel sad admitting to myself that this relationship has no future? 

what is it that im holding on? the future that i imagined with this relationship? or the efforts that ive put into this relationship?

i can’t help but to feel that i’d be betraying myself if i let you come back to my life (if you decide to do so, not that i’d want offer). i guess assuming that you’d want to come back into my life is me holding onto hope that we could be something, whatever it might be.

let it be official that i understand that we are over. this relationship ran its course and there’s no more possibility of “continuing”. we are both different people now with our own dreams and responsibilities. i truly wish you all the best and i really hope one day i’d be fine with you not being in my life ever again. 

it’s weird when you’re still the first one i thought of when i’m in distressed. it’s weird when i still think about you even though i try to convince myself that you aren’t worth any of my energy anymore

it’s weird because i don’t know why i still have a soft spot for you.

even though we haven’t talked for ages already, i still wonder if you’re doing well. 

and it sucks because i’m sure you just assume that i’m doing well. and i guess i’m trying to live up to that?

when i’m happy i’m fine. i don’t think about you at all. but i don’t know why whenever something bad happen, i think about telling you. i imagine the day that we talk again and i wonder if i’ll be able to remember to tell you all of the things that had happened.

but will it matter at all? 

it’s uncomfortable having so many questions left unanswered, especially when the questions are directed to someone that aren’t in your life anymore.

i’m afraid to even talk to you i guess. i’m afraid to see that you’re doing much better than me. much happier than me. when really i’m still trying my best. i shouldn’t compare myself with you though.

i’m happy that you’re happy don’t get me wrong. it’s just. it makes me wonder what’s wrong with me. what’s wrong with me that i can’t be happy like you too? that i deserve just as much?

i don’t even know if i had closure. or even if i need one. i’m still not ready. maybe one day i will. and let’s hope that in any events that we happen to cross paths again, i would be more comfortable being myself around you and not care about what you think of me. 

that’d be nice, don’t you think?  

i realise how alone i am growing up. i don’t have any parental figure that i can rely on growing up. i found myself dealing with everything on my own, figuring out myself all by myself. no parental figure to be found when i needed them. granted, blaming my parents won’t change anything. i am who i am today thanks to all of that. 

because of that, i project that insecurity onto my social relationships. i act like im fine when my needs arent met but really i am dying to get their attention. i act out in the hope that ill get their attention and once i do, i either do whatever i can to maintain it or reject their attention since it is unusual for me to receive it whenever i want it.

i am worthy of being taken cared of. i can be able to rely on others if i need to, at the same time, being independent and sorting things out myself. it is okay to rely on others and receive that recognition that i didnt receive when i was a child.

it is not my fault. it is nobody’s fault. as much as i feel extremely alone nowadays, i do know that being in a relationship won’t change how i feel. i realise that’s how i saw relationships back then: to have someone to recognise me for who i want them to see me as and be there for me when i need them too. the comfort of knowing that i have someone there for me was addictive, that i become dependent on it and insecure without it, just like how i want my parents to see me.

i am aware of the lack of attention that i get in my childhood that results in how i view my adult relationships. i project my own insecurity on others, hoping that they would see how lonely i am and give me the attention that i crave for. and often when they don’t, i make excuses for them. just like how i make excuses for my parents. in the occasions that they do acknowledge me, i settle with the knowing that this will only be temporary or even conditional - if i behave well and/or if im being what they wanted. 

it is okay for me to feel wounded right now. i don’t deserve that. i don’t deserve having to be on my own so much like that. it’s good that at least now i realise the pattern that ive been engaging in. and i would like to work on it. 

knowing that my strength is to be so fiercely independent, i am capable of soothing my own sadness and worries. i know that sometimes it just feels nice to have someone there to listen. turns out, im not as dependent as i thought. yes, i was dependent on the attention that they gave me, since it is something that is so foreign to me that i didn’t want to go back to being so alone then. but i have been doing just fine alone. i survived all my bad days on my own and so i can be able to do it just fine without anyone’s help. if they want to be there for me, then i am grateful. but i will overcome whatever it is without needing anyone there for me. 

i am okay on my own. i have been and i always will be. 

i realise that i try to be the parental figure that i lack to other people as a way to show affections. it is okay in considerable amount. sometimes it becomes smothering or controlling. i should be that parental figure to myself. looking out for my own needs, taking care of myself. since my parents are able to trust me that much in turning out just fine, i can be able to do that with my loved ones. being there for myself is what i need the most right now. to heal this wound that i was not aware of until now. 

hi there,

it is now 13:42 on July 6, 2020. i’ve scheduled this for you to read this exact day 1 year later just so that you can have a little look back to how far you’ve come. assuming that you even remember you wrote this to yourself. 

i said how far because i know for sure you will make a ton of progress within one year. heck, this time last year, 2019, you were still so lost: still applying for job, still thinking that AUS is a distant dream and still thinking that you’re going to do international business.

but look where you are now, 2020, studying to become a teacher, learning how to cook and slowly navigating through your new life in melbourne.

there were ups and downs but you made it through. and i’m sure that if you are facing some next year, you will manage just fine.

how was your 21st birthday? did you cry? did you have fun at least? are you still keeping in touch w people? did you make new friends? are you working at the moment? how’s school? how’s wherever you live? can you do your eyeliner now? did you learn how to make more food? how about baking? 

right now, we are still in lockdown. i’m still trying my best to stay positive everyday. haven’t really made any local friends but maintaining great friendships with highschool people. still learning how to do my eyeliner properly. still make dumb mistakes here and there at home and at work but that’s okay. i’m learning from it.

still kinda hungover your ex but is slowly trying to move on. i wonder if by this time next year you’d have moved on completely? if not, that is fine. we can’t control our feelings, we can only face them and go through them until one day, when we wake up, we can tell ourselves that we’ve outgrown it. 

some days are better than others. some day i tell myself that all is fine. but some days, i am agitated and it makes me hate myself for feeling so much all at once. i hope you’d find yourself more at peace by now. 

no matter where you are: melbourne or northern territory, or south australia or wherever, know that you still have it in you. i am here with you and i’ll forever be a part of you. be strong for us. because i’m holding strong right now.

know that you don’t have to have it all figured out by now, you are only 21. take your time. and focus on what you have. i know it can be confusing at times because honestly all is still confusing to me. but i am navigating through everything slowly everyday. and i know you’d be doing that as well. 

don’t think that you haven’t made much progress. you are. i’m sure you can tell yourself that when you re-read this.

look back at 2020 and be glad that you survived. that you lived through a pandemic, that you still managed to keep your job, that you still managed to have food to eat everyday. be thankful that you are where you are today. because i am here to remind you that, you’ve come so far, and i know you will go even further next year.

i’m putting lots of hope into you. and i know you don’t like that, but we always do this to ourselves don’t we? 

make the little min sitting on the staircase proud. because she put in so much faith into us. you got this, okay? 

promise me, you will continue to grow and strive.

tự hứa với mình là sẽ ko viết về anh nữa nhưng mà giờ bê quá mà cứ nghĩ về anh thì biết làm sao?

tự nghĩ vẩn vơ về anh, tự hỏi anh có nhớ em ko, tự hỏi anh có bao giờ nghĩ tới việc nói chuyện với em ko xong cũng tự vả vào mồm dặn bản thân là hiện tại ko có anh nữa.

nhưng ko hiểu sao cứ nghĩ về vn lại nhớ tới anh? buồn cười khi em sinh ra ở đó gần 20 năm, không nghĩ về ai khác mà nghĩ về anh.

này em đang bê nhé nên những suy nghĩ này sẽ trôi đi sớm thôi

thật ra thì ko hiểu sao em bê rồi chỉ muốn gọi anh để nói chuyện

nói gì cũng được nói xàm cũng được

à ko. nói xàm xong thì chửi được không

tức thật đấy. nói cho cố xong giở trò đó. biết là sao này em cũng sẽ kiểu kệ mẹ đéo đáng nữa nhưng mà bây giờ thì vẫn tức.

bình thường thì ko tức đâu nhưng nghĩ đi nghĩ lại thì vẫn tức

tức cười vl ấy. xong r nghĩ tới việc ừ chắc e mà có bồ mới a cũng đâu quan tâm. trong khi em thì dành tận mấy tháng để tức và thương hại bản thân.

nhưng thôi. bây giờ thì em đếch quan tâm nữa. bây giờ em tự thương bản thân đủ rồi. chả cần ai nữa. 

em tưởng tượng ngày mình gặp lại. chắc lúc đó hai đứa cũng đã trưởng thành hơn lắm rồi. em và anh cũng đã trải qua một thời gian rất dài rồi.

ko biết có gặp lại nhau ko nhỉ? ai là người rủ trước? rồi mình sẽ đi đâu? mình sẽ gặp nhau ở đâu nhỉ?

có thể là vào buổi tối. mình cùng nhau đi uống bia hay rượu gì đấy. và em sẽ uống đến khi hai má em ửng hồng. để anh ko biết được là do rượu hay do em. mà lúc đó trời cũng quá tối để anh có thể nhìn thấy em nhìn trộm anh nhiều đến cỡ nào.

có thể là một buổi ăn trưa. có thể em sẽ lại đến sớm hơn rồi chờ anh tới. chắc anh cũng sẽ ko mua hoa hay gì đâu. chắc gì mình gặp nhau mà anh đã mua hoa rồi nhỉ? nếu có thì đừng mua hoa hướng dương nữa nhe. lớn rồi.

có thể là một buổi chiều. hai đứa hẹn nhau đi coi phim. rồi mình đi cà phê. hay là ăn bún đậu. rồi đi dạo vòng vòng như hồi đó.

ko biết là anh có sẽ như trước ko? qua đường thì vẫn dắt em qua một bên. vẫn đưa tay để em nắm. vẫn hôn em mặc kệ người ta nhìn.

nhưng mà chắc gì gặp nhau rồi mà hai đứa đã quen nhau? chắc còn lâu

ngày mình gặp lại. em mong anh ôm em thật chặt. nói rằng anh nhớ em. nói rằng anh đã ko ngày nào ngừng nghĩ về em. nói rằng anh mong anh có thể bù đắp quãng thời gian hai đứa xa nhau.

có lẽ chỉ có thế em mới cảm thấy nguôi ngoai được.

và em cũng mong anh còn giữ chiếc nhẫn đó. 

và em hi vọng em cũng vậy :)) 

anh cũng đã có những cuộc vui của anh rồi. em có lẽ cũng sẽ vậy. nhưng mong là khi gặp lại hai đứa có thể bắt đầu lại. bỏ hết những chuyện cũ. gặp nhau như hai người mới quen.

em ko biết em có làm như vậy được hay ko? khi hai đứa hiểu nhau quá nhiều. nhưng mà em tin là đến lúc đó em cũng đã mở lòng với sự thay đổi này hơn rồi.

thôi thì. nếu mọi việc thật sự đúng như dự đoán. hai mình cứ là bạn. không hơn không kém. để ít nhất có thể thấy hai mình đã trưởng thành như thế nào.

nhân một ngày không biết khi nào mới được gặp lại anh.

thật sự em cảm thấy thiệt thòi và tủi thân khi cứ nghĩ về a như thế này. em mệt lắm rồi.